


pâro

by andtheny



Series: Five is a problem solver [18]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Baby Five, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Family Feels, Gen, Good Parent Grace Hargreeves, Languages and Linguistics, Misunderstandings, Mother-Son Relationship, Multiple Personalities, Non-Linear Narrative, Number Five | The Boy Has Issues, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy has PTSD, Number Five | The Boy is So Done, Panicking, Recovery, Unnecessary panicking, Young Number Five | The Boy, neurodivergent character, sensitive topics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-19 03:40:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29868582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andtheny/pseuds/andtheny
Summary: “Five,” Mom said. “You don’t need permission to take a nap.”“I don’t?”“No, dear,” Mom said. “It doesn’t matter what time it is.”“Oh,” Five said. “That’s… right. Of course.”“So you go right ahead,” Mom said. “Take a nap whenever you’d like.”“Thank you,” Five said.___________________Or, Five lives by his own set of rules.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Grace Hargreeves
Series: Five is a problem solver [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1977970
Comments: 52
Kudos: 59





	1. Pernicious

_He suspected that nothing had ever been important, that his mind had arbitrarily imbued projects with importance and then cunningly covered its traces. Today, he saw through the ruse of a lifetime._

_― Irvin D. Yalom_

  
  


It took a while, but he finally found Mom in the garden. 

These days, she switched hobbies faster than Ben switched genres, but Five had finally figured out her pattern: Mom was a builder. She loved to make things, whether it was food, or art, or- apparently- plants. 

“Hello there,” Mom said. “Did you need something, dear?” 

She was dressed in overalls and kneeling in soil, but her smile was the same as it had always been. She was still Mom. 

Five cleared his throat. “Mother, I have a headache.” 

“Ah.” Mom stood up and regarded him. “Would you like to take a nap?” 

“Yes, please.”

Mom smiled. “Sweetie. I want you to know something.” 

“Yeah?” 

Mom carefully removed her gardening gloves, then put her hand on his shoulder. 

“Five,” Mom said. “You don’t need permission to take a nap.” 

“I don’t?” 

“No, dear,” Mom said. “It doesn’t matter what time it is.” 

“Oh,” Five said. “That’s… right. Of course.” 

“So you go right ahead,” Mom said. “Take a nap whenever you’d like.” 

“Thank you,” Five said. “I mean… yes.” 

At this knowledge, it was tempting to teleport immediately... but that would have been rude.

“I’m going now,” Five announced. 

“Okay,” Mom said. “I love you.” 

“Love you too,” Five said. “Um, disappearing in three… two… one.” 

He left.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Mother,” Five said. “I… I’d like to take a nap.” 

Today, Mom was building a massive sculpture. It was the largest one yet and rather impressive, but Five politely averted his gaze from it. 

Luther said it wasn’t a bad statue. It wasn’t filthy, but… it sort of almost looked naked.

“Can I ask you a question?” Mom said. 

Five glared at the ceiling. “Yes.” 

“Are you upset, dear?” 

“No,” Five said. “I am _not_ upset.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “Do you want me to ask your brothers to leave you alone while you nap?” 

_“Yes,”_ Five said. 

“Alright,” Mom said. “Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

_Don’t you dare ask!_ Five thought. _You filthy pervert! Don’t act like Oedipus!_

Stiffly, Five said, “No, ma’am.” 

“Alright, sweetie,” Mom said. “Enjoy your nap.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Mom? Are you busy?” 

She was in the kitchen this time. 

“Not at all,” Mom said. “I was just about to make lunch.” 

“Do you need any help with that?” 

Mom grinned. “I would love some help.” 

Like a rocket ship preparing for liftoff, Five buckled down to get to work. But he knew he had to be careful about it. If his head got too big, he would scare her off like Ben with the library clerk.

“I’m not good at cooking.” Five made sure to speak politely. With calm dignity. “You’ll have to show me.” 

“Don’t you worry,” Mom said. “I’m an excellent teacher.” 

Five chuckled. “You’d better be.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“Um, I have a question,” Five said. “Don’t you dare laugh at me.” 

Mom gasped exaggeratedly. “I would _never._ What do you take me for?” 

Five smiled. “A woman who loves to tease me.” 

“Nonsense,” Mom said. “You, sir, are paranoid.” 

Five chuckled nervously. “Why does everyone keep calling me ‘sir’?” 

“Don’t worry about that sweetie,” Mom said. “It’s a term of endearment.” 

“It is?” 

“Of course,” Mom said. “We call you ‘sir’ because we love you.” 

“Hmm,” Five said. “No, I think it’s something else.” 

“Something else?” 

“Maybe not when you do it,” Five said. “You use it the way Klaus does.” 

“And how does Klaus use it?” 

“You know,” Five said. “Sarcastically.” 

“Oh,” Mom said. “You’re absolutely right.” 

“But everyone else… no. Nevermind. I’ve gotten off track.” 

“Off track?” 

“Mother,” Five said. “That wasn’t the question I was intending to ask. Pardon my slip.” 

“I understand,” Mom said. “Please, ask your question.” 

“It’s about Luther and Allison,” Five said. “I’m… concerned.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “Why are you concerned?” 

“They forgot about Oedipus,” Five said. 

Mom frowned. 

“Don’t get it twisted,” Five said. “I’m not a homophobe.” 

“I’m sorry?” Mom said. 

“I said I’m not a homophobe,” Five said. 

“Okay,” Mom said. “There has been a mix up of some kind here.” 

“There has?” 

“Yes,” Mom said. “But don’t you worry. I know how to untangle it.” 

Five grinned. “You’ve always been the best at untangling my mix ups.” 

“Of course!” Mom straightened up proudly. “I know you best, darling.” 

Five laughed. 

“To start with,” Mom said. “What do you think ‘homophobe’ means?” 

“It means ‘racist’,” Five said. 

“Aha,” Mom said. “No, it doesn’t.” 

“It doesn’t?” 

“You’re thinking of a different word,” Mom said. “You’re thinking of ‘prejudice’ aren’t you?” 

“Of course,” Five said. “All three of those words are the same.” 

Mom giggled. “No, silly. They aren’t the same.” 

“Really?”

“Don’t you worry,” Mom said. “We’ll sort this out.” 

“Perfect,” Five said. “You’re a hero.” 

Mom laughed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“You aren’t a pervert,” Mom said.

“Yes I _am.”_

“No, no, no,” Mom said. 

“I’ve had impure thoughts,” Five said. “Impure thoughts make me a pervert!” 

“No, honey,” Mom said. “Those thoughts were not impure.” 

“Yes, they _were,”_ Five said.

“Sweetie,” Mom said. “Can I ask you a question?” 

Five groaned. 

“Please?” 

“Fiiiine,” Five said. “Ask.” 

“Remember your confusion with the pirates?” 

Five winced. 

“You remember?” 

“Ugh,” Five said. “Yes. I remember.” 

“It’s just like that,” Mom said. “It’s the same thing.” 

“No, it isn’t!” 

“Let me ask you another question,” Mom said. 

“The heck,” Five said.

“Just one more,” Mom said. “Please?” 

“Alright. Fine.” 

“Do you think Klaus is a pervert?” 

Five frowned. “Of course not.” 

“Then why is it alright for Klaus,” Mom said. “to ask for as many hugs as he wants?” 

“Because he’s Klaus,” Five said. “He’s allowed to ask for hugs.” 

“But you aren’t?” 

“Mother,” Five said. “I’m not Klaus.” 

“What about Diego?” Mom said. “Is _Diego_ allowed to ask for hugs?” 

“Yes,” Five said. “But only with you. Strictly, only with you.” 

“What about Detective Patch?” Mom said. 

“No, Mother,” Five said. “You got mixed up.” 

“I did?” 

“There’s a word,” Five said. “Klaus has the perfect word for it.” 

“Please,” Mom said. “Tell me the word.” 

Five took a deep breath. 

“Go on,” Mom said. “Tell me the word.” 

Five straightened up and folded his arms behind his back. 

“Actually,” Five said. “There are three words. See, it’s all about categorizing things properly.” 

“Okay,” Mom said. “How are you categorizing?” 

“The first word is platonic,” Five said. “That’s you and Diego.” 

“Exactly!” Mom said. 

Five grinned. 

“Go on,” Mom said. “Give me the second word.” 

“The second word,” Five said. “Is romantic. That’s Patch and Diego.” 

“Very good!” Mom said. “There you go!” 

_Fuck yes,_ Five thought. _I’m a genius!_

But this burst of self confidence was as strong as it was fleeting. Five enjoyed it like a sudden gust of wind that had swept into the harbor of hope, only to die out before his boat could get anywhere _productive._

“Don’t you dare stop now,” Mom said. “Tell me the third word. Go on, sir.” 

“And the third word,” Five said. “Is… um.” 

Five glared at the ceiling. 

“Can I guess?” Mom said. 

“Yes, please.” 

“Does it have to do with sex?” 

“Ugh,” Five said. “I hate that word. Use ‘copulation’ won’t you?” 

“Yessir.” Mom said, laughing. 

“You’re not allowed to laugh at me!” Five said. 

“Don’t be like that,” Mom said, pouting playfully. 

“Don’t pout at me,” Five said. 

“I shall pout whenever I like,” Mom said. 

“Jerk,” Five said. 

Mom grinned. “I understand your mix up, dear.” 

“You do?” 

“I’m going to ask you another question,” Mom said. “Don’t you dare get offended.”

Five huffed. 

“Do you want to copulate with me?” 

“Of course not!” Five said. “That would be perverted!” 

“But there you have it,” Mom said. “You aren’t a pervert because you don’t want to copulate with me.” 

Five blinked. 

“Hugging is not the same as copulating,” Mom said. 

“Of course it isn’t,” Five said. “But you have to understand. They look very similar. So you have to be careful when you touch people.” 

“I know they look similar,” Mom said. “But I think you’re conflating a few things.” 

“No,” Five said. “I’m not conflating anything.” 

“Are you sure?” Mom said. 

“I _know_ hugging isn’t the same as copulating!” Five said. “I say what I mean, and mean what I say!” 

“Alright,” Mom said. “We’re going to get to the bottom of this. Just you wait.” 

“You’re doubting me,” Five said. “You think I’m lying to you?”

“No, sweetie,” Mom said. 

“I have proof,” Five said. “Do you know why I know that hugging and copulating are not the same?” 

“How do you know?” 

“Before I tell you,” Five said. “Know that this is a secret. You are not allowed to breathe a word of it to _anyone.”_

“I understand,” Mom said. 

“Should you tell someone,” Five said. “I will never trust you again.” 

“Okay,” Mom said. “I hear you.” 

Five took a deep breath. “Okay. So, I decided when I was younger that Ben is the exception to the rule.” 

"What rule?" 

"The hugging rule," Five said. "The only time I ignored it was…" 

Five frowned at his shoes.

"Tell me," Mom said. 

"Ben wasn't here," Five said. "It was before the old man rescued him." 

"Go on," Mom said. 

"I tried to stop myself from allowing it," Five said. "But you kept insisting, so finally, I suppose I was desperate. Because Ben wasn't here. I hadn't _seen_ him at all. He wasn't anywhere and everyone was acting strange and and then he was d-dead." 

He had to stop himself there. This was unacceptable. 

It was too emotional.

Five bit into his lip _hard._

“How are you feeling?” Mom said. 

“Pernicious,” Five said. 

"Okay," Mom said. “Permission to hug you?” 

"No!" Five said. "It isn't allowed!" 

"Why?" Mom said. "Reginald told me to hug _all_ of my children. When did he tell you we couldn't?" 

_"No,_ Mother," Five said. "This has nothing to do with him." 

"What?" Mom said. 

"It's not a rule he came up with," Five said. "It's _my_ rule. I only follow _my_ rules!" 

Mom stared at him. It was the kind of look he was used to receiving, but not from _Mom._

It was the kind of stare that said 'You're an alien, Five.' A look that stranded him on the moon. 

"Disappearing," Five said. 

"Wait!" Mom said. 

"I will not," Five said. 

"Reconvene," Mom said. "One hour." 

"Five hours," Five said. "Goodbye." 

Then he teleported. 

Alone in his room, Five got into bed. 

He was in desperate need of a nap. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The knocking startled him out of his funk so harshly that he flinched with it.

“Honey?” Mom called, through the door. “Won’t you come out of your room?”

Five bit his lip. 

“Five?” Mom said. “Are you in there?” 

Five cleared his throat. “Yes, Mother.” 

“Thank you for answering,” Mom said. “Young man, you’ve been very rude.” 

Five groaned. 

“Won’t you come out?” Mom said. “Your brothers are worried about you.” 

“Tell them to stop it,” Five said. 

“I will not,” Mom said. 

“Fine,” Five said. “Regardless, I want you to go away.” 

“Okay,” Mom said. “I’ll leave you in peace, but can I ask you something before I go?” 

“Yes,” Five said. 

“Are you taking a nap?” Mom said. 

Five chuckled, bitterly.

“Please,” Mom said. “Are you? Is that what you’ve been doing all day?” 

With a lump in his throat, Five carefully said, “I… am _not_ taking a n-nap.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “Would you like me to _not_ take a nap with you? It’s allowed, you know. We established that you aren’t like Oedipus.” 

“Fine,” Five said. “But you can’t let Ben find out.”

“Alright,” Mom said. “You’ll have to unlock the door, Five.” 

Five took a deep breath. 

“Five?” 

“I’m not presentable,” Five said. 

“That’s okay, dear,” Mom said. “I’m the exception to the rule.”

Five nodded to himself. That was a good update. The rules needed amendments. 

“Sweetie?” Mom said. “Are you going to unlock the door?” 

Five took another deep breath. 

Then, he opened the door. He allowed her to come inside. 

She gave him the sleep hugs he’d been secretly wanting all along. It was so wonderful, he was almost rendered speechless. 

“You don’t have to say a word darling,” Mom said, petting his hair. “I’m going to be quiet too. We’ll spend a few hours in absolute silence.” 

“Can we break the silence a little bit?” Five said. “I was listening to Vanya’s music. It was at a low volume, but I can raise it.”

“That sounds generous,” Mom said. “But you don’t have to raise it if you don’t want to.” 

“Thank god,” Five said. “Shit, I mean, fuck-”

“Stay calm,” Mom said. “I have a question.” 

“No,” Five said. “I can’t handle questions today.” 

“I have a guess, then,” Mom said. “Is a guess okay?” 

“Yes,” Five said. 

“You prefer to keep the volume low,” Mom said. “Because… you don’t want anyone who might walk past your room to hear the music?” 

_“Yes,”_ Five said, emphatically. “That’s exactly it. Because it would accidentally signal them.” 

“Signal them,” Mom repeated. 

“They learned my pattern,” Five said. “They know the music is a sign of distress.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “And we can’t allow them to know you’re in distress.” 

“Exactly,” Five said. “They would make it worse.” 

“How would they make it worse?” 

“No,” Five said. “No questions.” 

“Okay,” Mom said. “I will restrain myself.” 

“Thank you,” Five said. “Good job.” 

Mom hummed. 

“I love you,” Five said. 

“I love you more,” Mom said. “Let’s take a good long nap now.” 

In theory, Five understood what happy tears were. Ben had explained it, once.

But now he also knew in _practice._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you are confused, so I'm going to try to explain Five's logic: 
> 
> It's because the type of hugs Diego and Grace would have were upright hugs. Polite and acceptable hugs.
> 
> But Five wanted the type of cuddles he would get from Ben. /Sleep/ hugs, because they are less embarrassing and awkward for him than the normal type.
> 
> However, in the media, bed = sex. Especially if it's two people of the opposite gender. In the media, two people of the same gender sharing a bed together are (typically) assumed to be platonic. Which is why Five thought it was safe to cuddle with Ben, but not Grace or Vanya.
> 
> Therefore. He thought he was a pervert for wanting to invite his mother to nap with him.
> 
> I hope that makes sense?


	2. The military

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: 
> 
> Discussion of sexual abuse. 
> 
> No one was abused in this story, but Grace is a worried and concerned parent and she knows Five likes to lie to her. 
> 
> Second Trigger Warning: 
> 
> Discussion of religion and 'Satanism' in a sarcastic way. 
> 
> Five is not an atheist OR religious. He's agnostic.

_You once told me you wanted to save the world from all its wars. And I told you to first save yourself from the world, and all the wars you put yourself through._

_― Suzy Kassem_

It would be rude to call Grace Hargreeves a hysterical woman. 

But she was a hysterical woman. 

"Young man," Grace said. "Don't you _dare_ lie to me." 

These phone calls were increasing in frequency. 

"I will not lie," Five said, carefully. 

The pattern was simple: whenever Grace panicked, she would call. 

"And don't you get offended," Grace said. 

"I'm not like the others," Five said. "You can trust me." 

_"Can_ I trust you?" Grace said. "You don't trust yourself!" 

Five took a deep and calming breath. 

"I'm so sorry," Grace said. "That was out of line, sir. I sincerely apologize."

"Forgiven," Five said. "Please, carry on with your raving." 

"I love you, sweetie," Grace said. "I love you so much that I am frightened." 

"I understand," Five said. "But is there something I can help you with? I need specificity, Mother."

"Apologies," Grace said. "I… honey, I need to ask you a question." 

"Redundant," Five said. "Make your _point,_ Mother." 

_"Please,_ don't you lie, sir," Grace said. "If you lie, I will disassemble myself!"

"Don't panic," Five said. "I will not lie to you." 

"Baby," Grace said. "Sweetheart… have you been raped?" 

Five frowned. "Um… figuratively or literally?" 

"Literally!" 

"Good heavens," Five said. "Of course not." 

"Honey," Grace said. "You don't have to be afraid of me." 

"Mother," Five said. "You are as frightening as Barack Obama is white." 

There was a muffled sort of static, then silence. 

Five groaned and put the call on speaker so he could stare at the damn phone and try to see if and when this silly woman would hang up on him. 

"I apologize," Grace said. "Are you still there, sir?" 

"Present," Five said. 

"I think I've malfunctioned," Grace said.

"No, no," Five said. "You haven't malfunctioned." 

"I have!" Grace said. "I've been infected with paranoia!" 

"Let's get to the bottom of this," Five said. "When did you first encounter the symptoms?" 

"Your son has learned how to lie to me," Grace said. "Your son has mastered the art of sarcasm and we are doomed, sir, we are _doomed."_

"Please, calm down," Five said. "Which son?" 

"Your replica," Grace said. 

Five blinked. 

"Did you hear me?" Grace said. "You silly man! Are you abandoning your mother?" 

"I won't abandon you," Five said. "Pardon the pause." 

"I'm broken!" Grace said. "And now he hates me!" 

"Wow," Five said. "I… I'm sure that's not true?" 

"It _is_ true," Grace said. "My baby won't let me hug him! He's been raped!" 

"He has _not_ been raped," Five said. 

_"CRAP!"_ Grace said. "I'm so sorry, baby! I don't deserve to live!" 

_You fucked up,_ Dolores said. _Let me take over._

 _Thank Christ,_ Five thought. _She's all yours._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


"I understand where I went wrong," Grace said. "Please, forgive my previous hysteria." 

"Forgiven," Five said. "Are you feeling better?" 

"Yes sir," Grace said. "However, there is a new infection." 

"I see," Five said. "Can you name it?" 

"Yessir," Grace said. "Jealousy." 

"Ah," Five said. "There's no cure, I'm afraid." 

"Are you sure?" Grace said. "Can we consult Dolores?" 

"You doubt my skill?" Five said. 

"I mean no disrespect," Grace said. "But a skilled doctor would prescribe medicine for me, sir." 

Five chuckled. "Fair enough." 

"Perhaps Dolores," Grace said. "will have a cure you had not considered?" 

"Mayhap," Five said. "Unfortunately, she can't come to the phone." 

"Is she _alright?"_ Grace said.

"Why wouldn't she be?" 

"Bad boy," Grace said. "Look after your wife." 

"No disrespect," Five said. "But I cannot _look_ at my wife, Mother!" 

"Fair enough," Grace said. "I apologize. Oh my, I don't know why I have grown so rebellious." 

"No shame in it," Five said. "Nothing wrong with a little rebellion." 

"Really?" Grace said. "Do you mean that, sincerely?" 

"Grace," Five said. "For the love of god, would you be straightforward with me?" 

"My bad," Grace said. "Your sister tells me that rebellion is a classic sign of pain and existential angst." 

"Goddammit," Five said. "No, Mother. Don't let her infect you with her paranoia." 

"I digress," Grace said. "The jealousy issue. Up to now, I thought I was winning." 

"I don't follow," Five said. 

"My logic was simple," Grace said. "Baby Five is more comfortable with his siblings than he is with his mother." 

"Sound logic," Five said. 

"However," Grace said. "Yesterday, I caught Five cuddling with _Luther."_

"Um… you say that as if it's a bad thing?" 

"It _is_ a bad thing!" Grace said. 

"Explain yourself, woman," Five said. 

"Luther is not like the others!" Grace said. 

"How do you figure?" 

"Baby Five is a simple boy," Grace said. "When Ben informed him that he had promoted Luther to the role of 'sitcom dad' my silly boy took the joke literally." 

"Alright," Five said. "I still don't see the problem?" 

"The _problem,"_ Grace said. "is that I am competing with Luther as a parental figure!" 

Five pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Mother… don't you dare panic… but you've given me a stress headache." 

"I'm so sorry," Grace said. "I will not be offended if you hang up on me, sir." 

"I won't hang up," Five said. 

"Don't overwork yourself, son," Grace said. "It's important to pace yourself." 

Five sighed. 

"Perhaps… hmm," Grace said. 

"Complete your sentences," Five said. 

"I am of two minds," Grace said. 

_"Specificity,_ woman. Specificity." 

"Pardon," Grace said. "I was debating, with myself, the question: should I hang up the phone and quarantine myself on my baby's behalf?" 

"No, no," Five said. "You mustn't think that way." 

"I am frightened." 

"Terribly sorry," Five said. "I did not mean to frighten you." 

"Nor did I mean to emotionally abuse you." 

"I'm sorry?" Five said. 

"I've malfunctioned again," Grace said. "I must disassemble and then reassemble myself!" 

_Fuck,_ Dolores said. _Code blue._

"I love you," Five said. "Dolores would also like to let you know that _she_ loves you. And that, should you wish to make the switch, she is willing to come to the phone." 

_"Crap!"_ Grace said. "You're running from your mother?" 

"I'm… I am not abandoning you, Mother. I simply wish to inform you that you may request the Five you prefer." 

"I love _every_ Five," Grace said. "I love all three of you!" 

"Thank you," Five said. "And I love you like Persephone loves Demeter." 

"Aaaw," Grace said. "That was charming, darling." 

"I aim to please," Five said. 

"Me too," Grace said. "However, I am failing to please." 

"I understand," Five said. "I would like to give you affirmation, but I am a poor speaker, so please pardon m-my… my own failing." 

_"Honey,"_ Grace said. "Are you _alright?"_

"I am your replica," Five said. 

"Oh my," Grace said. "Is that what the jolly doctor told you?" 

"Not quite," Five said. "But he did point me in the right direction." 

"I see," Grace said. "Sir, I am frightened." 

"Alright," Five said. "I apologize for accidentally frightening you." 

"Please, don't be sorry," Grace said. "I wish you would trust me the way I trust you." 

"I'm so sorry Mother," Five said. "Your meaning has soared right over my head." 

"That's okay," Grace said. "I still love you." 

"Likewise," Five said. "P-pardon. Um, I love you too." 

"Please do not lie to me," Grace said. "Five, have you been abused?" 

"No, ma'am," Five said. "I have _not_ been abused." 

"Oh my," Grace said. "Baby, I'm so confused." 

"You and me both," Five said. "However, confusion is not evil. Nor is it sinful." 

"Thank you," Grace said. "Goddammit. Your father infected us with his shame!" 

"He did," Five said. "But we'll be better than him." 

"I'm failing to be better than him," Grace said. "Baby, I'm so sorry for hurting you." 

"No, Mother," Five said. "You. Did. Not. Hurt. Me." 

"I did!" Grace said. "I've damaged you irreparably!" 

"It's misplaced guilt," Five said. "It is _not_ accurate." 

"I wish I could cry!" Grace said. 

"Oh," Five said. "Perhaps, I could concoct some type of fluid for you? Update your systems?" 

"No, sir," Grace said. "Don't you dare do any such thing. It. Is. Needless."

"Needless?" Five said. "But you said-"

"Sweetie," Grace said. "You're exhausting yourself." 

"Nonsense," Five said. "I'm doing no such thing." 

"You need a new hobby," Grace said. "And _I_ need to restrain myself from these phone calls." 

"Nonsense," Five said. "I will no longer police my schedule." 

"I think you could use that type of policing," Grace said. "I think it was a healthy boundary." 

_Should I rewind?_ Five thought. 

_Don't you dare!_ Dolores said. _Don't you dare censor my mother!_

"Um… Mother?" 

"Yes, baby?" 

"Don't you dare hesitate to call me when you need my help," Five said. 

"But you've become _overworked,"_ Grace said. 

"Listen carefully," Five said. "I. Am. Superman." 

"I know it!" Grace said. "But Superman bleeds, Five! You're losing blood!" 

"I am _not_ losing blood," Five said. 

"Christ," Grace said. "Jesus. Christ." 

"Such a potty mouth these days," Five said. 

"Oh my," Grace said. "Schadenfreude." 

Five laughed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


The next time Grace called, she announced. "I am Wonder Woman!" 

"Good job," Five said. "But explain yourself, if you would be so kind." 

"Your son," Grace said. "Your silly little boy… my gosh. He conflated Oedipus Rex with Freud's Oedipus Complex." 

_"Wow,"_ Five said. "I wonder if that mix up was before or after Dolores's time?" 

"I haven't the faintest idea," Grace said. "But I also blame the media." 

"Which media?" 

"I have no idea," Grace said. "The media at large? Baby Five thought it was unsafe to take a woman to bed with him." 

"Um… isn't it?" 

"I'm sorry?" Grace said. 

"It's improper," Five said. "Common sense dictates that a man and a woman must not get into bed together unless they intend to copulate." 

"Oh my!" Grace said. "Sweetie!" 

"What?" Five said. "Don't you dare tell me I'm crazy." 

"No, sir," Grace said. "You aren't crazy. But you are adorably old fashioned." 

"Dammit," Five said. "Don't you tease me." 

"I love you to the moon and back," Grace said. 

"Shut up," Five said. 

_"Fuck yes!"_ Grace screamed. 

It was so startling, Five dropped his phone. 

_Pick it up!_ Dolores said. _You mustn't scare her!_

Five scrambled to follow these instructions. 

"... ive? Sweetie?" Grace said. "Crap. You silly, silly, woman! Now I've scared him off!" 

"Nonsense," Five said. 

_"Honey,"_ Grace said. "I apologize sincerely. I got a bit too over excited." 

"Please… for the love of god," Five said. "F-fuck." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Grace said. "I love you!" 

"Why do you doubt my love for you?" Five said. "This whole clan, they are forever accusing me of lying when I tell them I love them." 

"I'm _so_ sorry," Grace said. "I believe you, sir! I know that 'shut up' is code for 'I love you too' because I know you best!" 

Five blinked. 

_"Crap,"_ Grace said, emphatically. "I ruined it! Fuck me and my stupid mouth!"

"M-mother," Five said. "Do… Do. Not. Panic." 

"I _will_ panic, sir!" Grace said. "I love you so much it hurts!" 

"M-may I… " Five cleared his throat. "Grace, are you _alright?"_

"Oh my," Grace said. "I've malfunctioned again."

"Should I inform Luther?" 

"Yes, you should," Grace said. "However, I've just had an epiphany."

 _"Please,"_ Five said. "For all that is holy, please share your thought process with me." 

"I believe," Grace said. "that, perhaps, Ben and Vee have infected me with their paranoia?" 

"Dammit," Five said. "Is it my fault again? What did I do?" 

"No sir!" Grace said. "It was never your fault to begin with!" 

"I beg to differ," Five said. "If we trace the problem back to their childhoods-"

"No sir!" Grace said. "Bad boy!" 

_"Listen_ to me," Five said. "I've been self reflecting and I-" 

"For the love of god!" Grace said. "Please stop self reflecting!" 

"Respectfully: I will not!" 

"You'll be the death of me!" Grace said. 

Five laughed so hard, in that moment, that he dropped his phone. 

_Shit,_ Dolores said. _Fuck, fuck fuckity fuck._

 _Stop panicking!_ Five thought. _It's contagious!_

 _Crap,_ Dolores said, more calmly.

Five rode out the schadenfreude hysterics, then carefully collected himself. 

Then he picked up his phone and said, "Are you still there, Mother?" 

"Yessir," Grace said. "Terribly sorry to have frightened you, sir." 

"Not to worry," Five said. "I still love you." 

"Likewise," Grace said. 

That word made Five smile. 

"Alright," Five said. "Here's what we're going to do." 

"Thank god," Grace said. "Baby, I am in desperate need of instructions. The children have been giving me contractions, you see, and I am terribly confused." 

"Aha," Five said. "Mother, we've had a breakthrough." 

"We have?" Grace said. 

"Yes!" Five said. "Good job, good job." 

"Thank you, sir!" Grace said. 

"Okay, okay," Five said. "Everything is going to be okay. We're finally untangling this puzzle, Mom!" 

"Hell fucking yes," Grace said. "Please freely and happily explain this puzzle to me, Five." 

"I shall do that," Five said. "However, I will need some time to come up with the proper words that will adequately explain it." 

"Of course!" Grace said. "Makes perfect sense!" 

"Secondly," Five said. "I'm in desperate need of a nap." 

_"Yes!_ Yes you _are,_ baby," Grace cooed. "You _are,_ thank you so much for telling me." 

"I realized I don't need your permission," Five said. "And that my desire for permission was irrational." 

"What a wonderful epiphany," Grace said. "However, I will say this much, I will say permission has been granted despite the fact that you don't need it because I love you and support you sweetie."

Five hung up. Immediately, he felt ashamed of himself.

 _No, no,_ Dolores said. _That was perfect. Good job! The jolly doctor would approve of your actions, sir._

Five laughed. 

_Oh my,_ Dolores said. _Schadenfreude._

"Gesundheit," Five choked out. 

_You better take a_ **_real_ ** _nap,_ Dolores said. _You're dangerously sleep deprived._

 _Oh,_ Five thought. _Is that what I am?_

 _Yes!_ Dolores said. _Go to sleep!_

Five cleared his throat, then sarcastically saluted. 

_Godspeed,_ Dolores said. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


His hands were shaking, but Five forced himself to pick up the phone anyway. Then, for the first time since he was born, Number Five called his mother. 

He put his phone on speaker and carefully set it down on top of the dresser, so it would be close enough to pick up his voice. Then he stood straight, with his arms carefully folded behind his back. Chin up. 

“Hello!” Grace said. “I’m so happy to hear from you, sweetie.” 

Five cleared his throat. “Permission to address you as if you were a drill sergeant.” 

“Oh my,” Grace said. “Granted.” 

“Thank you, ma’am,” Five said. “Ma’am, I’ve had an epiphany.” 

“That’s wonderful,” Grace said. 

“I realize now,” Five said. “That role play is not sinful.” 

“You, sir, are a genius,” Grace said. “Thank you for inviting me to the military with you.” 

“You are very welcome,” Five said. “Furthermore, I have a confession.” 

“I’m listening,” Grace said. 

“Ma’am,” Five said. “I have an irrational fear of authority figures.” 

“I see,” Grace said. 

“It is _not_ your fault,” Five said. “Listen to me carefully. I am not lying. I am not sparing your feelings. You are absolutely forbidden from subjecting yourself to misplaced guilt.”

“Thank you, sir!” Grace said. “Thank you _so_ much for saying so!” 

“Your welcome,” Five said. “Mother… may I call you mother?” 

“Yes, you may!” Grace said. “Please, don’t allow Diego to frighten you away from addressing me as your mother, or as Grace, or however you would prefer to address me, sir!” 

_“Thank you,”_ Five said. “God bless!” 

“Bless _you_ sir, bless _you,”_ Grace said. “I love you to the moon and back!” 

“Likewise,” Five said. “I love you, Demeter.” 

“Oh my,” Grace said. “I should like to change my name to Demeter.” 

Five chuckled. “Please, don’t. That would be needlessly confusing for the children.”

“Understood,” Grace said. “I apologize. I was being facetious.” 

“My word,” Five said. “Grace, you are a _genius.”_

“I know it, sir!” Grace said. “Please, never doubt my self confidence in my own intelligence.” 

“You are a rock,” Five said. “I see that now and would like to apologize for infantilizing you.” 

“Not at all,” Grace said. “Honey, I infantilized _myself,_ mistakenly, and treated you as a husband when I should have treated you as a son.” 

“Nonsense,” Five said. 

“It’s true,” Grace said. “Please, I would like permission to grovel.” 

“Granted,” Five said. 

“I have been feeling terribly guilty,” Grace said. “But Luther has assured me that the world is ugly and I cannot and should not endeavor to live for the happiness of my children.” 

“A breakthrough!” Five said. 

“Yes sir!” Grace said. 

“Good girl,” Five said. 

“Thank you, sir,” Grace said. “Please, never hesitate to praise me in a kinky manner.” 

“Mother,” Five said. “Good girl is _not_ kinky. Don’t allow the children to confuse you.” 

“Respectfully,” Grace said. “I was being flippant.” 

“Oh,” Five said. “I see. Carry on.” 

“Thank you, sir,” Grace said. “We’ve said this before, but I will repeat myself: Five, we are not sinners.” 

“Of course,” Five said. “Of course we aren’t.” 

“God is dead,” Grace said. 

“Hell yes,” Five said. “I’m a Satanist.” 

“Fuck yes,” Grace said. “We’re a merry little cult, aren’t we?” 

“We are,” Five said. “My god, Mother, you’re the only one that understands me.” 

“Thank you,” Grace said. “I realize that understanding you is not a reward, however, I am very pleased to hear it.” 

“Good lad,” Five said. “F-fuck. Good _girl.”_

“Don’t you worry about gender,” Grace said. “I am genderless, as far as you’re concerned.” 

“Fuck,” Five said. “Alright.” 

“Terribly sorry,” Grace said. “Did I accidentally scold you?” 

“No ma’am,” Five said. 

_Be. Honest!_ Dolores said. 

“Apologies,” Five said. “I take it back. You frightened me, slightly, but I recognize that my fear is irrational.” 

“Good job,” Grace said. “Honey, we must deprogram ourselves.” 

“I acknowledge it,” Five said. “And will endeavor to do so. However, please don’t rush me.” 

“Understood,” Grace said. “Please don’t banish me from the military.” 

“I will not banish you,” Five said. “However, I would like to request a… sabbatical, if possible. I am in desperate need of a vacation.” 

“Understood!” Grace said. “I am happy to know that your absence is not a punishment, but instead a healthy boundary.” 

_“Thank you,”_ Five said. “Mother, you are the only one in this household that is able to grasp the concept.” 

“I know it,” Grace said. “Sir, permission to open the vault?” 

Five frowned. “Which vault?”

“Every vault,” Grace said. “I am humbly and fearfully requesting permission to open a dialogue with your siblings. I should like to make an attempt to explain your mix ups.” 

“I see where you’re coming from,” Five said. “Counter offer.” 

“I’m listening.” 

“I will only grant you permission,” Five said. “To invite Allison and Klaus into the vault. No one else. I would like to emphasize that this is a _strict_ rule. No one else. No. One. Else. Is, um, is allowed access to my vault.” 

“Understood, sir!” Grace said. “You are generous!” 

“No ma’am,” Five said. “It is _you_ that is generous here. You are a skilled linguist and a wordsmith and I am relieved to know that you have decided to assign yourself as my translator.” 

“I would happily castrate myself for you,” Grace said. “And I _do_ mean that literally.” 

Five laughed himself silly, that day. 

It was wonderful.


	3. jamais vu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going backwards in time and is taking place before everything else in this story.
> 
> I would like to emphasize that this chapter is taking place before The Rumor. Before Ben was saved. And before Baby Five showed up in 2019.

_When you know who matters most to you, giving things up, even yourself, doesn’t really feel like a sacrifice._

_― Kiera Cass_

  
  


Mom was finally working properly. He’d deprogrammed her and she was flourishing, she was an artist, she was a star, and Five could finally call the task complete. The problem had been _solved._

The work that Mom assigned to herself was as baffling as Klaus’s public monologues, but Five did not question it. An artist, he decided, was an unknowable individual. However, to be an artist was no sin. Reginald had been a foolish man, but Five was smarter. 

With all that in mind, for the first time in his life, Five allowed himself to relax.

Then, in August, he had an epiphany. 

So Five located his mother in her garden and cleared his throat to get her attention. 

Mom grinned at him and stood up, politely dusting herself off. “How can I be of assistance?” 

“You see,” Five said. “I’ve realized something.” 

“Wonderful,” Mom said. “What did you realize?” 

“I’m a silly man,” Five said. 

“Aw, honey,” Mom said. “I’m sure that’s not true?” 

“No shame in it,” Five said. “I’m old fashioned, is all.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “I hope you are not debasing yourself?” 

“Don’t be dramatic,” Five said. “That’s not what I’m doing.” 

“Understood,” Mom said. “What… um, what _are_ you doing, sir?” 

“No, no,” Five said. “You must not call me sir.” 

“Is that so?” 

“Yes,” Five said. “It’s unhealthy.” 

Mom blinked. 

“Vanya pointed it out to me,” Five said. “I was disrespecting you by allowing you to call me sir.” 

“No, honey,” Mom said. “It isn’t disrespectful.” 

“Yes, it _is,”_ Five said. “I accidentally infantilized you.” 

“Sweetie, that’s not-”

“Let me finish,” Five said. “If you would.” 

“Alright,” Mom said. “Carry on.” 

“I’m a big boy,” Five said. “And I realize now that my time in the Apocalypse has traumatized me.” 

“Wow,” Mom said. “I mean… excellent.” 

“Please,” Five said. “I would like you to speak freely.” 

“Crap,” Mom said. 

“Oh,” Five said. “Um… are you alright?” 

“Yessir,” Mom said.

“No, no,” Five said. “Please, I don’t mean to scold you, but you mustn't address me that way.” 

“Understood,” Mom said. “Henceforth, I shall delete ‘sir’ from my lexicon.” 

“Thank you,” Five said. “I will do the same.” 

“Good job,” Mom said. “However, I am requesting elaboration.” 

“Good,” Five said. “But I’m not capable of giving it to you.” 

“You aren’t?” Mom said. 

“I’m afraid not,” Five said. “You’ll have to consult Vanya for the explanation. I’m still puzzling it out, myself.” 

“Oh,” Mom said. “I see.” 

“I will say this though,” Five said. “We are restructuring the hierarchy.” 

“Oh,” Mom said. “I see.” 

“Are you alright?” Five said. 

“I believe so,” Mom said. “However, I need clear instructions.” 

Five winced. 

“Honey?” Mom said. 

“Um,” Five said. “I’m not allowed to give you instructions.” 

“You aren’t?” Mom said. 

“Nope,” Five said. “I’m officially demoting myself.” 

“I don’t understand,” Mom said. 

“Ah,” Five said. “Allow me to clarify. In the future, you must look to Vanya for… for guidance.” 

“Guidance?” Mom said. 

“Guidance is like instructions,” Five said. “But it’s the more socially acceptable way of phrasing it.” 

_“Thank you!”_ Mom said. 

Five blinked. “Are… are you feeling alright?” 

“Yes, dear,” Mom said. “I’m just fine. Don’t you worry about me.” 

Five glanced away from her. 

“Darling?” Mom said. “Are _you_ alright?” 

Five cleared his throat. “Henceforth… the patriarchy is dead.” 

“Pardon?” Mom said. 

“This is a new age,” Five said. “We’ve reached enlightenment.” 

“We have?” Mom said. 

“Yes, ma’am,” Five said. “From now on, we are living in a matriarchy.” 

“I’m _so_ sorry, Five,” Mom said. “But I don’t follow your meaning?” 

“Don’t apologize,” Five said. “You disrespect yourself when you apologize.” 

“Sweetie,” Mom said. “You’re speaking Greek.” 

“I am?” 

“Yes, honey,” Mom said. “Please be concise.” 

Five was tempted to cover his face with his hands, but he restrained himself. 

Instead, he closed his eyes, and took a couple of deep breaths. 

“I didn’t mean to offend you,” Mom said. 

Five opened his eyes. “I. Am. Not. Offended.” 

“I see,” Mom said. “I didn’t mean to confuse you.” 

“Nor am I confused, Mother!” Five said. _“You_ are confused.” 

“You’re absolutely right, darling,” Mom said. “I am so terribly confused that it frightens me.” 

Five winced. 

“Honey?” Mom said. “Are you alright?” 

“Yes,” Five said. “P-pardon. I apologize.” 

“Why?” Mom said. 

“I’m sorry?” Five said. 

“Baby,” Mom said. “You’ve contradicted yourself.” 

“I have?” Five said. 

“Yes, you have,” Mom said. “Why did you say apologies are debasement and then proceed to debase yourself?” 

“Oh,” Five said. “I see where I went wrong.” 

“You do?” Mom said. 

“Yes, yes,” Five said. “Goddammit. Okay, look.” 

“I’m listening,” Mom said. 

“You aren’t allowed to apologize,” Five said. “No one is allowed to apologize, but _I_ am the exception to this new rule.” 

“Darling,” Mom said. “That doesn’t make any logical sense?” 

“Yes, it _does,”_ Five said. “It makes perfect sense!” 

“Don’t you dare teleport,” Mom said. “I’ll malfunction if you teleport!” 

“Okay,” Five said. “I understand. Please, don’t panic.” 

“I won’t panic,” Mom said. “Stay calm.” 

“Good,” Five said. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” 

“I love you,” Mom said. “I love you to the moon and back.” 

“Oh,” Five said. “Um… I l-love you as well.” 

“Five!” Mom said. 

“What?” Five said. “What on Earth did I say that was so sinfully wrong? Please explain it to me, Mother, so that I may correct myself.” 

“You’ve misunderstood me, honey,” Mom said. “I’m concerned for you, is all.” 

“Why are you concerned?” Five said. 

“Listen to me carefully,” Mom said. “Have you been abused?” 

“Of course not,” Five said. “Why would you think that?” 

“You are displaying symptoms of abuse,” Mom said. 

Five blinked. 

“Please,” Mom said. “Don't be frightened of me.” 

“Mother, I mean this sincerely and respectfully,” Five said. “You, my lovely mother, are as frightening as Klaus is straight.” 

“Oh dear,” Mom said. “Okay. Don’t you worry. We’ll get to the bottom of this.” 

“Oh,” Five said. “There’s been some sort of mix up?” 

_“Yes,”_ Mom said. “But don’t worry. You’re allowed to be confused.” 

“I am?” 

“Yes!” Mom said. “For fuck's sake! I’m not trying to scold you.” 

Five straightened up and tucked his arms behind his back. 

“No, sir!’ Mom said. “Don’t you dare go into standby!” 

Five rewinded. 

“... trying to scold you.” 

“I see,” Five said. 

“I just want to understand your logic,” Mom said. “Please, can you explain it?” 

“No,” Five said. 

“No?” Mom said. 

“No… no ma’am?” Five said. “I’m terribly sorry, but I cannot seem to locate an explanation.” 

“Oh dear,” Mom said. “I’ve failed you.” 

“Nonsense,” Five said. “It is _I_ that has failed _you.”_

“My gosh,” Mom said. “Who should we consult about this problem, dear?” 

“There are two options,” Five said. 

“Is that so?” Mom said. 

“Yes,” Five said. “N-not that I’m numbering them. However, Vanya is the head of the household. From now on.” 

“Understood,” Mom said. “I shall look to Vanya for… for guidance?” 

_“Exactly,”_ Five said. “Good job, ma’am!” 

“Thank you,” Mom said. “But you said there was a second option?” 

“Yes,” Five said. “The second option is Luther.” 

“Oh,” Mom said. “I see, I understand. Thank you. I will look to Luther for guidance as well.” 

“Good,” Five said. “Now… respectfully… may I take a nap?” 

“Crap,” Mom said. 

“Goddammit,” Five said. “Do naps offend you now?” 

“No, no!” Mom said. “I am not offended in the slightest. You have permission to nap.” 

“Thank you,” Five said. “Jesus Christ.” 

“Jesus Christ,” Mom repeated. 

“Before I go,” Five said. “I would like to make one thing crystal clear. _Crystal.”_

“Understood,” Mom said. “Carry on.” 

“I am no longer your doctor,” Five said. “I’m giving that title to Luther.” 

“Oh?” Mom said. “I love Luther, but are you sure he can handle the responsibility?” 

“He can,” Five said. “He’s matured.” 

“Okay,” Mom said. “Thank you for explaining the new rules.” 

“F-fuck,” Five said.

“What have I done?” Mom said. “Did I step on a bomb?”

“N-no!” 

“Crap!” Mom said. 

“Stay calm,” Five said. “There’s no need to panic.”

“I will calm myself,” Mom said. “I am a rock and you are an island.” 

“Thank you,” Five said. 

“May I ask you a question?” 

“You don’t need my permission,” Five said. 

“Understood,” Mom said. “The questions is… do you have a headache?” 

_“Yes,”_ Five said. “That’s exactly it, Mother. I’ve accidentally given myself a stress headache.” 

“Excellent,” Mom said. “We’ve returned to English.” 

“I’m _so_ sorry,” Five said. “I didn’t mean to slip into Greek.” 

“Please, don’t be sorry,” Mom said. “Confusion is nobody’s fault.” 

“Factually incorrect,” Five said. “Clearly, it is always _my_ fault.” 

“Factually incorrect,” Mom repeated. 

“Really?” 

_“Yes,”_ Mom said. “You bite your thumb at me?” 

“No, ma’am,” Five said. “I didn’t mean to bite my thumb.” 

“Nor did I mean to scold you,” Mom said. “Terribly sorry. I think I’m malfunctioning again.” 

“Oh,” Five said. “I’ll tell Luther.” 

“Is that so?” Mom said. 

“Yes,” Five said. “He’ll untangle it for you.” 

“I see!” Mom said. “Thank you, honey.” 

“You are very welcome,” Five said. “Now… may I say goodbye to you?”

“Yes, you may,” Mom said. “Godspeed.” 

And that was finally the end of that.

**Author's Note:**

> If you're confused about when these scenes are taking place, don't worry. I'll update the chronology when the time is right. The whole thing has been re-named "time stays, we go" and- if you're new here- know that it's basically this entire series re-ordered in a chronological sequence. You can find it here:
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28610337/chapters/70121280 
> 
> And you can subscribe if you want to be emailed when I do that. 
> 
> Originally, I included "time stays, we go" in the "Five is a problem solver" series, but then I removed it because it bothered me that I couldn't get a look at the "real" word count for my series. Haha, maybe that's silly. But I think it works as a stand alone fic. Also, I was worried some readers would get annoyed by the redundancies when I do eventually update it again? Those of you who don't want to re-read the story in chronological order, I mean. 
> 
> I really enjoy restructuring my story in different orders and playing around with it in this way. It's a lot of fun for me. I also created a sister series called "I am a gazelle" which is basically a smaller version of "Five is a problem solver" 
> 
> Like, it's the fic with only the time travel shenanigans. Because I enjoy re-reading my own story in different ways. With different themes. I realize it's redundant and most people are going to ignore it, but um, it's also an option for those of you who like that sort of thing, so I'm letting you know.


End file.
